Facing Reality

I saw him online today. And I feel somehow eager to pop him a message because I've been missing him badly. But then again, it's difficult. Just any normal guy, I can't bear the truth of the reason. It was just a sweet escape. And somehow I gave him all the reason to end the relationship. Yes, it was somehow mutual on the decision but if he really cares and love me then he could have done something. He could have been eager to get back at this point. It has been a week. Not much communication exchange. Just trying to give each other space and time to think but then for almost 5 years, I was thinking otherwise.

Maybe he just really want out of the relationship. And I have to face the truth that it has ended. I have to accept he's not coming back. I was so stupid to think he'll come back, turn around and woe me again. No, the love was not enough. I didn't make him feel important. I didn't let him feel he'll miss me once I am gone.

What to do? This is it. I need to accept it has ended. I feel worse inside. I don't see the pain in him because we don't get to see each other. I didn't know what he's feeling right now. On what he's going through. Is he thinking of me too? Is he reassessing the situation? Or he's just glad it has ended. There's nothing you can blame in the relationship. We're ok back then. And then suddenly there was a slip. He felt something different to one of his friends. Did she made him feel important? That he's needed? Didn't I make him feel that way? I was so engrossed to making sure I can stand on my own. That I can be independent but no I feel so alone these days. I really miss him. I may not be vocal on how I feel. I may not have involve him enough in my problems. What's the reason? I am so confuse.

Is he just any ordinary guy? "It's not you, it's me. I need to find and fix myself." Wow, so just not to trample my self-esteem, I need to believe him with that lousy excuse. Yes we realized there was a problem in the relationship but can't we fix it together? Can't we go through this together? "I don't want to hurt you anymore. I feel worse knowing I am just hurting you" Don't you think I am not hurting. I feel you are so selfish because still you chose not to hurt me so you wont feel bad inside.. but you're hurting me again. I am willing to work this out but I don't think you are. It really has ended. It was only a week but I can feel its been forever.

Calm down. Think, Don't give in. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't go begging at him to get back to you. It will not work out. He has decided. He don't see the difference with or without you in his life. You're not a lost. He's free. All he want is his freedom. And you're now free. Yes it will take sometime before you'll feel ok. Before you forget him. But you can do it. You have to.

Maybe all I want are answers that this is really over. That no second chance for us. I was really hoping he'll turn around. That's why its difficult for me to move on. I wish we didn't end the relationship with good feelings for each other. I just hope there was a huge a fight, that I despise him. It will be easier for both of us.

The Date

There was no formal courtship.
We started as acquaintance.
A simple Hi, Hello!
Always there to hear him out.
Finally realizing, the relationship is more than what we thought.

We didn't rush.
I waited for him to heal the old wounds.
It took a year before everybody knew.
Finally, we're officially a couple.

No date to celebrate the anniversary.
Then "decided" the day we first went out alone and he's single.
Weird, but well we can't think of any other date.
Finally, just like any couple we have the date to celebrate .

December 23
It was the date we somehow arranged.
The date we celebrate the start of the relationship.
It was December 23